Healing Our Empathic Selves

The gift of emotions grants a special grace: the ability to sense what another is feeling. Everyone is empathic to some degree, and this sense allows humans to bridge the otherwise unspannable gulf between Self and Other. When we cry at weddings, we’re responding to the wealth of joyous emotions present in the gathering; we cry at funerals as we respond to and express personal and collective grief. When you smile at a child’s laughter, or are moved to act on behalf of another — even if that Other is half a world away — you are likely responding in empathy. It gives us the ability to connect with one another, to hurt with them, to laugh with them, to love with them, to touch in ways that transcend simple flesh.

Empathy first manifests in childhood, usually at toddlerhood, when emotions first make their stormy appearance in the developing human psyche. Tempestuous tears and temper fits give way to sunny smiles and burbling laughter, one following so closely upon the other that the new parent is often left dizzy in the aftermath. Those parents who are well-read in child development, or who are meticulously conscious of their child’s being will realize that these emotional roller-coasters are the symptoms of progress, and that the storms and upsets are the signs that the child is learning to integrate these new and powerful energies into their young lives.

Until this age, the infant was unable to differentiate; that is to say, what Baby is feeling is quite literally all there is. There was no need for empathy. Self and self’s needs comprised the infant’s entire known universe. Self literally is all there is. With the discover of emotions comes a further and even more shocking revelation: What I am feeling right now isn’t what Mommy (or anyone else) is feeling! That there can be a difference between the feelings of Self and Other heralds yet more developmental progress — the child is inexorably “growing up.”

When the process of separating one’s emotions from those of the rest of the emoting population begins, then the capacity for empathy appears, as does the need to integrate these abilities into a coherent and healthy personality. For some, the process of emotional integrity and differentiation — the special challenges empathy poses — is a struggle that will continue well into adulthood.

The question most often asked is, “If we are all of us empathic, then how can we hurt one another? Why don’t we understand each other better?” The answers to those questions invoke a complex of factors, societal, cultural, familial, and personal, and are beyond the scope of a simple article. Speaking in therapeutic terms, however, the answers most often involve a stunting in our empathic growth — usually before we’d learned to speak properly.

This emotional stunting was usually done with the best of intentions. Parents generally wish to protect their children, and do not intend to burden them with what they were not capable of understanding. Innocent queries (“What’s wrong, Mommy? Why are you crying?”) were answered with denials (“Nothing’s wrong, honey. Go play.”). The denials set up internal conflict: Do I believe Mommy, the goddess of my small universe, who loves me and would never lie to me? But if she’s telling the truth and nothing is wrong, why did I feel so sad when I saw her cry?

If the child was unwise enough to press the matter (“But Mommy! You’re crying! Are you hurt? Are you sad?”), anger or frustration was often the reward (“I said nothing is wrong! Now go to your room!”). Anger seethes inside a child’s tender heart; for highly sensitive or empathic children, it burns like acid. Simple avoidance behavior and self-defense soon teach the child not to listen to that empathic self! Who, the child correctly reasons, needs that kind of trouble?

This relatively simple example typifies the dynamic involved, but it by no means stops there. By the time a child enters elementary school, he/she is well versed in the emotional/verbal double-speak that passes for social and familial interactions in modern America. They encounter it at the dinner table every night, at family gatherings on holidays. They see it on television, if their parents permit them to watch enough of it. The predominance of factors that contribute to emotional dissociation hinted at here is no exaggeration. Each time a child sees a parent answer a friend or acquaintance with “Oh, I’m just fine!” to the socially expected queries, the wall between emotional integrity and dissociation grows higher, especially if the child knows or senses that their parent most definitely is NOT “fine”!

And so, burgeoning empathic abilities have been largely shut down in favor of believing the words which others use to camoflage, or lie about, what they’re really feeling. They believe the words, and discount what their empathic senses are telling them. And yet this knowledge doesn’t simply `go away,’ no matter how often it is ignored or pushed away. No one can stop feeling, no matter how much those feelings are denied or suppressed, nor can our ability to sense the emotional states of others be shut down for long. The pathologies associated with doing so are legion — Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and clinical depression are but three. More common and less likely to be mentioned in therapeutic circles are emotional instability, weight gain, self-esteem issues, and/or poor academic achievement. For some, medication becomes temporary reprieve or permanent solution, even if it isn’t a particularly good or effective one.

Fortunately, the way into this dilemma mirrors the way out. If emotional deception and insincerity are at root cause, then emotional honesty and integrity are natural counters. It’s a simple deduction, but a more difficult practice than might first appear — when you live in a culture that values emotional shallowness, insincerity, and denial (and Americans do), what measure or gauge can be used to determine emotional depth, sincerity, and acceptance? To suggest that instinct or intuition will suffice is nearly meaningless in this regard, for neither are reliable when empathic development is stunted. There are guides, signposts, and maps through this wasteland, and here are several ways you can access them:

• Contemplative Arts. Turning inward and developing a regular practice that will allow you to unmask emotional lies, uncover old emotional traumas, and get comfortable with your emotional truth is the surest way to heal empathic wounds and return to holistic empathic functioning. I have a book on the subject, and you can learn more about it at http://www.metaphorsforlife.com7-mysteries.
• Spiritual Mentoring. A good mentor knows the maps, signposts, and can guide you through the confusing and sometimes deceptive landscape that is within you. For some tips and guidelines for choosing a good mentor see the article entitled “Breaking the Chains” by Rev. Michael Matson D.D. at http://www.metaphorsforlife.comarticles-from-mfl/breaking-the-chains-orthodoxy-and-the-modern-mystic-part-iii.
• Start an Emotion Journal. What is an emotion? What does joy feel like? How do you know when you’re sad? Do you tell the truth about what you’re feeling? Recording these things in an Emotion journal is a good way to ex-press (that is, press out) what you’re feeling, and to come to understand what you’re feeling actually feels like.
• Psychoanalysis. Like a good mentor a good psychotherapist can also help you navigate the pitfalls associated with past emotional traumas. They can also assist you in figuring out what you’re feeling, if you’re having difficulty in this regard.
• Body work. There is a growing body of evidence that suggests we tend to carry our unprocessed emotions in our physical bodies as muscle tension, pinched nerves, etc. A good massage therapist or myofascial practitioner can identify and loosen the physical manifestations of poorly processed emotions and thus help you access the raw emotional material that caused them.
• Read books. There is more material accessible to us now about emotions and empathy than there has ever been. The late Elizabeth Kubler-Ross did some groundbreaking work in natural emotions, which has been built upon by other therapists and authors. Use extreme caution in accessing material on the Internet however, as some of it falls prey to the same shallowness and insincerity that demarks the rest of our culture.

One of my students often says “Empathy can change the world,” and I tend to side with her. Imagining a world where empathic sensibilities preclude the need or ability to lie, steal, or harm another (or group of others) often gives me hope that some day, humanity as a whole might one day realize (i.e. “make real”) the promises inherent in this most common, most precious of gifts.

Rev. Dr. Matson writes and teaches extensively about empathy, the contemplative arts and modern mysticism. Her book on the contemplative arts is entitled 7 Mysteries: Contemplative Arts for the Modern Mystic.